I Want the Relationship to Continue
[27:28] Participant discovers love never came from another, and how not to dump himself. All relationship is truly with yourself, and need not end.
[27:28] Participant discovers love never came from another, and how not to dump himself. All relationship is truly with yourself, and need not end.
Basically how it works is, I ask a series of questions.
and your job is to just stay focused on the questions as much as possible, and not just on the questions, but on answering the questions, okay?
Okay, say that one more time, I want to make sure I am hearing you again, stay focused on the question?
Yeah, and on the answer of the question, on the answer, okay?
Because there’s been a habit, everyone has had the habit of focusing on the opposite of these answers, so
Yeah this is going to be an interesting experience.
Okay, I’m excited!
Alright. So can you think of a time when you were okay, and then something happens, you see something or someone says something, and you feel bad?
Okay, so you were fine one moment, and then you’re not the next, right?
So here’s the first question, in that moment, when you notice you feel bad, what do you want?
Uhhhhh…in that moment when I feel bad, what do I want. To not feel bad [laughter].
Alright, that’s a pretty honest answer, but I want it to be even more honest. You know like a child would answer? When candy or a toy is taken away, and they feel bad, what do they want? They want the candy or the toy, right?
Yeah. The instance that I was thinking about when you asked the question, what I wanted was honesty.
From someone else.
Okay perfect. You want honesty, who doesn’t?
Let’s go with that. So the next question is, how does honesty feel?
It feels great, it feels like I have choice, it feels real, I guess like I have choices…is the best way I can describe it.
Okay great, anything else? You have choices, it feels real, what else? Anything?
Uhm..I don’t know it feels like…Uhm…true love
True love. Yeah, honesty is true love, isn’t it?
Unconditional, yeah same thing, but I know what you are saying with the unconditional. Perfect. So…those are good mental answers, those are the thought answers. Now we want to take them a little further. So, wherever you are right now I want you to feel your feet. You don’t have to move them, just feel into them because you probably weren’t feeling them before, right?
Say that again?
Can you feel your feet right now?
You weren’t aware of them before I asked you to do that, right?
Okay. Now can you feel the top of your head?
Can you do both at the same time.
All right and now take in your peripheral vision. Okay?
And finally, your breath, feel it moving in and out, doing this all at once.
Now what do you notice?
I don’t know…What did you say about my peripheral vision?
Just take it in so that you can see, if there are walls around you, you can see the side walls. You can see the wall in front of you, and you can also see the ones on the side, right?
So breathing in and out, peripheral vision, and head and feet?
Yeah. Got it?
Okay, we’ll see.
What do you notice when you do that?
I don’t know – my breathing slowed down.
Ah ha. If your breathing slowed down, do you think you’re more relaxed?
Okay, so just doing that alone, coming to your senses – literally coming to your senses alone will help.
And I always want you to do that before you ask the second question, okay?
Which is “So how does having honesty, and choices, and unconditional love feel? and answer it with your body, as your body, as a feeling in the body.
uhm…Kinda like what …butterflies in my heart uhm…I guess that would be it…Very warm!
Very warm. The longer you put your attention on this, the warmer it will get.
So I’m doing it right, huh?
You are doing it right.
Especially with the next request, which is to just appreciate that warmth, butterflies.
What happens when you appreciate it?
I don’t know.
You don’t know?
I feel the same.
Any change at all?
No, not really.
Are you appreciating? Appreciating the fact that you can do this? Just because you can?
Am I saying in my head I appreciate the fact that I can do this? Am I just thinking about being appreciative.
No, don’t think about being appreciative. Just enjoy…
First enjoy it, and then appreciate the enjoyment.
It makes me smile!
Ah there you go. Alright. Good, ok.
So is this how you prefer to feel?
So just enjoy that for another moment.
If you play with this later, you can alternate between appreciating it and enjoying it, and watch what happens. Okay?
Say that one more time?
Just alternate between appreciating it and enjoying it. You are enjoying it, and then appreciate the feeling the sensations, that you have it. What you will find is that it will grow. Your smile is an indication that it grew. And then you can appreciate the smile and everything, and then you do it again, and it will grow, and it will grow.
Yeah, it’s great!
ok [giggle laughter]
At some point mind might come in and go “Aw, you can’t feel that good.” If you believe it [laughter]…Ok, if you put your attention on it…. If you don’t believe it, if you don’t put your attention on it …and you say yah, but it is …right here right now, right?
Alright. Okay. You can kind of get a grasp on it, kind of hold it, it’s like an energy in your body right?
Ok good. So hold onto that, when I ask you the next question. Who or what did you need to have this?
You said who or what did I need to have this?
Yeah. Did you need any…
No. Just me.
Well…I needed you, you know, to get me there…
Now you know the questions. Right?
You can ask yourself?
You know how to do it now, right?
You just needed to know this was an option, right?
Because we weren’t taught this.
We were taught how to suffer. We were taught what we didn’t want.
When you were a kid and you were crying and your parents didn’t want to listen to you, what did they do?
I’m not gonna get that.
I’m not gonna get that? [laughter], okay. My parents sent me to my room.
What for? In my mind, okay that was the demand, right? “If you want to cry, go to your room!”
So you go to your room, right? You cry, right?
You cry really hard. We learned how to suffer really well, but nobody ever said you could do the opposite.
I really liked how you rather stay with this rather than go back into the past. That was great, I loved you attitude!
So feeling this warmth, this butterfly, the smiling, the breathing the relaxation, all of that. You didn’t need any body, you didn’t need anything – you didn’t need anybody’s honesty, did you?
In order to feel unconditional love. So when you were needing honesty, were you giving unconditional love?
So who was being dishonest?
Uhm…who was being dishonest with ….me?
So I asked who was being dishonest in love.
Who was being dishonest in love…I guess it would be me, if I wasn’t giving unconditional love.
Right. Right. Ok. Feeling this way, sustain it, hold it, this warm butterfly relaxed unconditional love, because you do what it is, right, you do know how it feels?
Okay good…Do you have choices now?
With these choice, what do you think of them now?
What do I think of the choices?
No. With these choices, and this feeling of unconditional love, what do you think of the person you thought who was being dishonest, and conditionally loving?
Uhm, what do I think of that person?
I love that person.
What do you think of their actions, now? Sustaining this feeling.
I think that…I’m unsure of what their actions actually were…and more…concerned with where my mind was going with the situation…not necessarily…I didn’t know if they were being dishonest or not I just know how I felt at the time, or what I was thinking at the time.
Good for you. That is a big thing to realize because we never actually suffer as a direct result of what somebody does or says, we suffer about our beliefs about what they did or said.
Your gonna make me cry…[laughter] Not in a bad way…
I know, I know what you mean.
I really suggest you download the book because it talks a lot about mind reads. Mind reads are claiming to know what someone else’s intentions (or state) were. If you love this person, and if you what to have true open honesty and pure love with them, then when you notice a mind read, a bade feeling mind read, in your mind–its coming from you don’t forget, its not coming from them–ok?
When you notice that, that’s a cue, to ask, first of all to shift your state like you just did, to ask yourself what you want and shift it, second of all, if you really still care to know something about that person, then ask them their purpose or intention
I hate to keep asking you repeat yourself but I want to be sure I understand you…what did you say again?
Ask them their purpose or intention. Say to them…If they learned what a mind read was, you could admit, “I have a mind read” and I’d really prefer to know what your purpose is, or how you are feeling. Use that to open the door to get to know them better. To know the truth of the moment, rather than your fear of the moment.
That’s what Alchemy is.
It’s very powerful.
Only when you are willing to look within, if you are willing to look within, it is completely powerful. You are completely powerful.
good for you, oh my god, full of love…
So you can do it any time and every time, and I’d love to head feedback, as to, you know, how it goes.
Okay – thank-you, so very much.
You are very welcome, thank-you for playing.
Love and joy to you.
How much more free and loving could you then be in a relationship?
Some people are so shocked by the idea of not needing someone that they ask, “But, then what would a relationship be for?”
Such a response reveals how deeply their conditioning goes.
Both my generation and the current generation have been raised in a “romantic era” that is more accurately called an “attachment era.” The majority of our movies and music proclaim a love that needs the other, and that idea is portrayed as a good, romantic thing. Perhaps it comes from the fear of losing someone and therefore needing them to be your “only one” and “forever.” Continue reading →
I had been contemplating the massive changes in my life and my experience of life since last April (when I discovered the joy we all are), when a big picture understanding struck me.
In Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) it is known that we hold values that drive our attention, intention, behaviour, and beliefs. Beliefs cluster around values, and while we can loosen, erode, and replace beliefs one by one, it is a tedious and slow process because there can be many of them, and also perhaps because they are important to supporting the more important, larger value they are linked to, and so we cling to them. A faster, highly effective method is to shift the order and priority of our values.
Contemplating this and what happened to me, I noted that all of my conscious beliefs had tumbled at once, and so there must have been a major shift in a major value. And then it clearly became obvious! I knew my topmost, utmost, driving value at the time was love. But it had not shifted priority–what had happened was that top value had shifted from “love”, to “love itself“.
Let me elaborate… when we do what is called a “values elicitation”, not only do we discover the true (sometimes unconscious) values which drive your life, we discover their order of priority, and we have techniques to shift these priorities. When you shift your priorities inside, major changes happen on the outside. For example, what if your most important, driving value was love, and then it became money? You can just imagine all the major changes that would follow.
It hit me that we have not (until this moment) looked at the object of the value, i.e. if love was your highest priority–love of what?
If it is the love “of someone else,” as in a relationship, then are are attachments and needs involved. You will require a certain kind of person, and for them to be (or not be) a certain way at all times, in order for you to experience love. And of course no person will always at all times fulfill your fantasy. With this kind of love, let’s call it “attachment love”, you are actually trading needs, not being in a loving relationship. You hold hope for fulfillment of those needs. You are always on the look-out for those needs being fulfilled, or being violated. You will give and be loving so long as these needs are met, and the moment they are not, you are unhappy. You are attached to something outside of you, believing it to be your source of happiness, and you are needy, and unstable.
What you fear (like this person not fulfilling your needs), appears in mind, even if not in truth. You will believe and perceive what you don’t want to have.
Having had the object of my love ripped from me because of false appearances and this type of needy fear, I could have become jaded, and dropped love lower on my values scale. Perhaps this is what temporarily happens when someone is dumped, they move away from relationships for a while, however the innate desire to experience love remains and so eventually they venture out again.
Instead of dropping love as a priority, when I realized we are the source of love and joy, and that I could feel the love I wanted without the person–that this is actually and truly an inside fact, I shifted the object of my love to love itself.
That intention was seeded already, as there was a growing desire to give and be only love, to have a mutual dropping of the false faces and the mask of ego, to be open, and genuine, and safe in vulnerability, to have and experience unshakable, infinite love. While you cannot be assured the other will drop their defenses, the chances are better if you do first. Knowing you are the source of your happiness enables you to do this. Even if they do not open to the possibilities of true, infinite love, you can be it and thereby have it yourself.
As Gandhi said, “Be the change you want to see…” To me this is a very clear, direct, instruction to be the change (inside) that you want to see (outside). The Alchemy of Love and Joy™ is the how.
The love object ripped from me (and after promises of true love and permanency), yet the desire for, and the presence of, love still remaining, I shifted my highest value onto love itself. I discovered that we don’t need an object to have the feeling or experience, and that in fact they have nothing to do with each other. I experienced and knew the full feeling and sensations of love without an object of love. Objects and people are not permanent. The love and joy of being is.
The power of the highest value is that it is a driver, it says “this is the most important, no matter what!” That combined with the fact that causing, being, and feeling love and joy is possible, no matter what, uncovers the fact that who we really are is freedom.
When the experience, or feeling itself, without object, becomes the actual value, you no longer need the object, you are not needy, you have more love to give than take, and, ironically, in the case of love, everything and everyone becomes an unattached object of appreciation, love, and enjoyment. You get far more on the “outside” than you could have ever gotten with attachment love, which limits you, puts all that impossible pressure on one person, and makes you unable to truly love them with infinite love.
The practice of The Alchemy of Love and Joy™ helps people break the belief that the outside holds their happiness, and to become self-fulfilling, to become non-attached–situation by situation. With a powerful enough experience, or repeated experiences, these old limiting beliefs can be dissolved. With a minor modification of the values elicitation process, it can be used to assist people to shift the object of their value from the outside to the inside, resulting in simultaneous mass dropping of beliefs–all at once–and this will now be incorporated into the Alchemy Retreats.
Love is still high on my values, but it is no longer the highest, because our highest value tends to be that which we do not have, and want. Now I have it. Inside. Eternally. What has become of utmost importance is concretely, experientially, beyond doubt knowing who I really am and what life and death is all about (not as a concept or thought), and that is now being revealed, and ironically, with it comes all the love, joy, gratitude, abundance, and bliss that exists within it.
Set your values high, and non-attached, and all you have ever desired will be yours. True, infinite love is a wonderful, attainable starting point.
Today is the seven-year anniversary of my Father’s rebirth into spirit. Notice how much less a “charge” there is, how much less suffering there is, how much more truth and presence there is in the statement of the anniversary. Today is not the day that Dad died. That day was a long time ago, and that day, that experience, has nothing to do with this day, this experience. This day is not that day, and we do not have to try to “reincarnate” that day now.
If I had not been reminded, it would not have been top in my consciousness and may have passed unobserved. That is not a suppression or avoidance of any kind. It is a simply a clear seeing of truth and reality.
On the first anniversary I received a card in the mail. It did not say much, other than “thinking of you,” and I thought it had something to do with the current moderate challenges I faced at the time, but a card for that seemed a little “much”. There was nothing I could relate it to because I was not suffering. A few emails later, I put it together; it was for the anniversary of his attempted suicide and passing. That first anniversary, I thanked family and let them know how I was, that all was good, and that the anniversary is not important to me, and why.
There were no more cards, and other family members continued to “observe” the anniversary. With my increased compassion and awareness, it occurred to me that this observing was not for me, as much as it was for them. They were suffering even though the 365th day later really has no more significance than the 364th, or 366th. So it seems there is a “rule” that every 365 days we must remember traumatic events, potentially “re-living” them, or more accurately, use memories to suffer in the now.
I don’t need to feel bad to honour someone’s life, and frankly, I can’t see how feeling bad and suffering could honour someone’s life. Certainly, that is not what the deceased wants for us.
Like everyone from my past who I loved, I may bring their memory or the experience of them into my present moment multiple times through the year–I don’t need 365 days. And when I do, I feel good about them, and in this way, I nurture my love of and for them.
That said of my current experience, my current experience also includes living family members who are suffering and want connection. Just like the world did not stop when Dad passed, and that the only thing to be done was to keep going and to do whatever needed tending to, the world has not stopped and needs tending too. Just like loving those who passed 365 days ago, I love and tend to those who are present now, 365 days a year.
To you, who strives to be the beautiful being that you already are. For every time you see a flaw, I will mirror back your perfection. For every bad thought you believed, which hurt you, but which you suppressed in your quest for perfection; with every fear, I will stand beside you and walk through it with you.
Every time you get lost and you believe it, I stand clear and ready, available to walk the path with you all the way home. In every challenge, outer and inner, I am there. No matter what passion or aggression drives you, I will stand by, waiting, knowing; knowing that it is a passing cloud in front of your beautiful eyes.
Even when you are hurting and you lash out, I stand here, steadfast, and know its source as deep love swelling intensely. All it wants is to express its true self. And you will find a way.
Even in your anger my tender heart cracks open because I know you are suffering…and it is my purest wish that you be free, and that you know the freedom that you are. I will not be moved except by compassion and love.
Every time you misunderstand, it’s ok, I remain here knowing there’s fear or pain behind it. My heart is tender, raw, open, available to and allowing opening for expression. Because I know that beneath the pain is a vast love, waiting to be unleashed with your clarity of being.
Whenever you hurt and appear to strike I ask, “Could it be love?” And it is never pain or anger or fear–it is always love. Even if in your pain and suffering you try to leave me, hurt me, push me away…this is impossible.
There may be fear of unleashing your love as love, but know that that fear is unfounded, and that that love is the strongest, yet most gentle, nurturing force that itself cannot fail, and it is a power that wants to enter the world through you, as you.
You are ok. There’s nothing wrong with you. You’ve just inherited some thoughts, some beliefs and the most damaging thought, the biggest lie—that any thought or belief can define or limit you. But you have also inherited much more, much more that came with your very being, your very essence, you very aliveness; your very existence which is far, far beyond beliefs and thought.
That being, your endless beauty that I have seen is my inspiration, my knowing. That all is well, all has always been well, and all will always be well. It is through you I know eternity, because of you, through you, in you.
No matter what bad days or bad states arise, they are not you, and you are still there. You were there before, and you will be there after. I await you with full heart and open arms.
And every time you judged me, I saw through it to your suffering, and through that to your love, and my heart of compassion cracked open again. And every time you judged yourself, I saw through it. The only way you can judge yourself is by knowing your own divinity.
Know that you cannot fail; even a bad feeling is not failing. It’s succeeding just knowing it, when you recognize it, you are succeeding in knowing yourself now and what you want to create. Any little error or mistake is already gone, and what is revealed is your purity, your unstained essence beneath—and as you expand ever larger, so does your success. You’ve been a success since before you were born. You cannot fail, and even if you do not choose to see your success in this lifetime, you have eternal time.
Sweet being, the world is not doing things to you, it’s here for you, to show you how you are in the moment so that you can choose, choose to see and be, and thereby create your full magnificent self, and to have the fullest experience through the fullest expression you are capable of. And when you see and you know the bigger you, the real you, and you turn toward it, you manifest your becoming of it.
My heart is so full of love it wells up as tears. There’s anticipation and excitement for your coming freedom when all that energy suddenly releases you to be and do what your heart aches for, and it will use all the suffering you went through to bring something blessed and beautiful to this world.
I have eternal, unshakable faith in you and eternal unshakable faith in the explosion of joy you will feel when you come to know me. It will be beyond words, but not tears.
You know the pain of suffering, the pain of fear, and you will know the infinite joy and bliss that is here for you.
I stand with open heart, present so we can both see that you and I are not the enemy so you can know there is nothing you need, you are it all. Whatever your heart desires is yours, any time. May you know that peace, that power; that freedom.
Every time you smiled at me with that gorgeous irresistible smile, you showed me love within me. Every time you laughed with me, you showed me love within me. Every time you embraced me, you showed me love within me. Every time you showed me your beauty, you showed me mine. I am so grateful for you. I embrace you fully as you are, completely as you are, in every moment, in any moment, in all moments. I embrace you with love that needs no forgiveness, love that has no condition, with a love that just is.
You are fully honoured and respected, being as magical and mystical as the universe itself. Without you, the universe would be incomplete; indeed it would not be. You are perfect as you were, as you are, and as you will be. I cherish and cradle your feelings, needs, hopes, wishes, and desires.
Even though you seek an answer from outside of you, I stand not as the answer, yet reflecting yourself back as the answer; an opportunity for you to see your perfection in your own divinity. I will stand here for you, silently, even in your darkest hour, reflecting the light so you can see clearly.
Leaves may fall, snow may fly, and flowers may flourish. Lovers may leave, time may lapse, and buildings may level. By your side, I remain. There is a place where we have not laughed all we’ll laugh, where we have not relaxed all we’ll relax, where we have not played all we will play.
I excitedly look forward to the day you release your self and come out and play.
Come out and play. Let it shine as it is. You know who you really are. I know who you really are.
Free from pain, free from struggle, what will you create? What will we do? Where will we go? So many roads, so many options, and vast potential within the endless beauty of the stillness we have created for us to enjoy—come with me, come, let’s play!
Here is a love so infinitely vast, that it is inconceivably beyond words. I could just sit with you and I do sit with you, silently, for hours basking in the greatest love the world has rarely known, yet it is available for all.
Anytime you want me, just go looking—seek me. Instantly, I am there. Because I never leave.
Who am I?
I am you.
The ever present witness, always with you, always available, always mirroring, always love.
I love you.
When someone is hurting sufficiently in some way, that kind of pain can motivate them to act-out or try to hurt others, even those they love the most. This is an attempt to stop their suffering by getting their needs met. They turn to the (person/thing) outside because they believe it is the outside that is hurting them.
Anyone who is hurting simply wants to feel good, and so the core intention is good. However, if you hurt someone you love because you were hurting, you will later regret it, whether you got what you wanted or not. Simply put, with this strategy you can’t ever win.
While you are hurting, your world becomes tiny, often focused exclusively on the pain. You may no longer even see the actual person you love in front of you, much less be aware of their state–and in that way you make yourself blind to the effect your words and actions have on them.
The problem (and solution), is that the cause of the pain is not outside of you, no matter what anyone has said or done. We have mistaken things for feeling, people for feeling, and events for feeling. If you believe someone or some thing is the cause of your inner pain, then you will ride the painful roller-coaster of inevitable, uncontrollable change for life. Want to change that life sentence?
Go inside, not outside, and ask yourself what you want. Then ask yourself how what you want feels. Go deeply into The Alchemy of Love and Joy™ practice and begin to give yourself what you want. You will find immediate relief, and your whole world will change; you will open-up to seeing, hearing, and knowing much more than you could before. And it will open you up to those you love, in the way that you want to be with them. Then you will be ready to deal with the outside (if there still is one to deal with) in a much more effective way.
From the perspective of the person “being hurt,” know that this apparent attack is a cry for help, and that in reality, your loved one is suffering. In your mind, separate the being from the suffering and actions. You may give yourself time and space away from an upset person until things calm and becomes more workable.
Instead of allowing their reality to become yours, instead of buying-in to their nightmare and instead of becoming defensive or reactive yourself, you may ask them, with compassion: “Are you ok?” or “What do you want or need?” With a little attention to their being and motivation behind the action and by pointing them toward what they do want, the suffering may rapidly dissipate. But of course, the best way to end someone else’s suffering is to end your own–so be sure that you practice The Alchemy of Love and Joy™ yourself first, so that your compassion is sincere. After all, you can’t “be hurt” by them either.
It can transform the situation, even turn it inside-out and back to love, which is the root anyway.