I Want the Relationship to Continue
[27:28] Participant discovers love never came from another, and how not to dump himself. All relationship is truly with yourself, and need not end.
[27:28] Participant discovers love never came from another, and how not to dump himself. All relationship is truly with yourself, and need not end.
How much more free and loving could you then be in a relationship?
Some people are so shocked by the idea of not needing someone that they ask, “But, then what would a relationship be for?”
Such a response reveals how deeply their conditioning goes.
Both my generation and the current generation have been raised in a “romantic era” that is more accurately called an “attachment era.” The majority of our movies and music proclaim a love that needs the other, and that idea is portrayed as a good, romantic thing. Perhaps it comes from the fear of losing someone and therefore needing them to be your “only one” and “forever.”
Thus fear spawned relationships that are based on fear, but which are cloaked and labeled as love. This attachment love is about trading and goes something like: “You be this for me, and I’ll be this for you,” and we call that loving each other. In actually, it is more like raping each other! There are needs, and demands, and when they conflict and oppose each other it can get really ugly. Stand-back when things go awry and watch how suddenly “love” becomes venomous hate.
Of course at the root of this is the idea and belief that you are somehow incomplete, and that you need someone in order to be happy. This is because generation after generation has been raised with the erroneous fundamental belief that happiness is somehow found outside of you, in things, people, or events.
But we don’t want things, people, or events, we want the feeling we mistake them for—and if things or people were truly the cause of happiness, then once we got them, we’d be happily ever after. But we are not—because things, people, and events are not the cause or source of happiness. Add to that the fact that the outside is unreliable and always changing; it is constantly coming and going. No matter how much you want to keep your partner or your love from changing, they change. Resistance and grasping makes things worse; pushing love and lovers further away. There is a Zen saying that says it all:
“The tighter you squeeze, the less you have.”
In our own true experience, we all know that happiness based on the outside is temporary, but still we have repeated it, over and over, looking for the next person or thing to “make” us happy. As if that were true. So this is a kind of outright denial and delusion. We just haven’t known any better. We have mistaken the outside for the inside, and so we suffer the consequences of clinging to what inevitably changes. And we have not looked for love where it is, always was, and always will be—inside.
True love is not a bodily urge, not a rush of hormones or excitement. It is not a “flash in the pan,” here for a while and gone again. It cannot “fall out of love.” It does not narrow its focus on one person and depend on them, cling to them, or need them to do a certain thing and be a certain way—or not—in order for you feel ok. It is free, open, spacious, generous, and unlimited.
Because it is not outside you, because it is you, it is always with you, and always available to you, no matter what goes on around you. So long as you look for it outside yourself, you will always miss it, and therefore you will repeat the same error, over and over.
When I speak of my utterly fulfilled experience, being single, full of love and bliss beyond what I could have ever imagined possible, and beyond what I ever experienced due to any relationship people who have not discovered the true source of love and joy cringe at the idea of being alone. They often raise objections like, “We are not meant to be alone,” or some such other belief, most often formed from a bad, lonely experience. They cling to the memory of the temporary pleasure and temporary happiness (and temporary pain) that they have known, forfeiting the mind-blowing, infinite, eternal love, bliss, and peace they have not known but are capable of. It’s like trading a single peanut for an infinite, all you can eat international smorgasbord.
This is not to say that you should not be in a relationship. This is to say that by believing a relationship the source of your happiness, and seeking one and using one for that purpose, you will remain ignorant of truth, and perpetually ride the uncontrollable ups and downs of the ever changing, unreliable outside.
You can relate and be intimate with someone and simultaneously know the true source of love. From there, you have more to give than to take. When you are completely filled with love from the inside out, it spills over onto others and there is no limit, because the source is unlimited. When you truly love someone, you want them to be happy, even if that means letting them go. Love covers that much space.Tweet
I have periodically heard about something called “non-violent communication” and while I knew nothing about it, immediately I liked the idea the name implies. But this was the first time I ran into it head-on in real life, and I clearly saw how it failed (in this case) to meet its own namesake. (Or perhaps there was confusion in its understanding, or application.)
I had been communicating with a co-worker and wanted to share an insight, but when I began to address the subject, I was interrupted and the topic went in another direction.
“You always interrupt me,” she complained.
“Always?” I asked.
“Well, ok, not always, but you’re not owning it,” she said with pained accusation.
She was hurting, and upon noticing that, clear seeing dawned brightly. She wanted me to accept responsibility for how she feels. How violent, came the ironic thought.
“Interruption may happen,” I said. “That is certainly true. And you interrupt me too, often, actually. But I don’t feel interrupted, or whatever bad feeling it is that you are experiencing. I could guess that perhaps it has something to do with feeling not heard, or not being respected?”
“Yes! That’s it!” she exclaimed.
“I own my actions, but I cannot own your feelings. I would not want to own your feelings–even if I could. I would not want to take that power away from you,” I replied.
And I cannot. That is not the reality of it. You may be interrupted, but that does not mean that you are not heard or respected. When we apply our fearful thoughts to other people and presume it to be their intention or purpose, we are doing both them and ourselves violence.
Of course, this is not malicious. It is just currently the human habit and confusion; the confusion of our thoughts with reality. In our constant effort to defend and protect that which we believe to be ourselves (which is apparently thought to be a tiny, vulnerable being), we mistake those painful thoughts for what is, and for truth–the truth of others.
It is not reality that hurts, it is not the interruption that creates bad feeling, it is the thought about what you believe the interruption means that hurts. (Of course one could even take it a step further, but that is another book.)
If you carry an underlying belief that you are not worthy, or not respected, or not heard, or that someone in particular does not listen to you or respect you, then not only will you see interruption as a problem, but you will be watching for things that can be interpreted to match your beliefs (and you may notice this pattern in your life with multiple people).
While you carry this idea that you are interrupted and not respected, you will experience it over and over, until you own your underlying need and become self-fulfilling; until you listen to yourself and give yourself the respect you desire.
You are perfect as you are, whole and complete, until you take something away from yourself. Use The Alchemy of Love and Joy(TM) and give it back.
Then you won’t even notice interruptions (or certainly not as a “problem”), freeing yourself and others.
Postscript – Later, out of curiosity, I read about Non-Violent Communication from the source, and it itself is not at all what it seemed to be from this experience. Non-Violent Communication does not teach that others are responsible for how you feel. I use this interaction to highlight this error that people make (educated in Non-Violent Communication or not), and not to criticize Non-Violent Communication.
“There are no problems with others that is not self.”
- C. Teevens, The Alchemy of Love and Joy.
When someone is hurting sufficiently in some way, that kind of pain can motivate them to act-out or try to hurt others, even those they love the most. This is an attempt to stop their suffering by getting their needs met. They turn to the (person/thing) outside because they believe it is the outside that is hurting them.
Anyone who is hurting simply wants to feel good, and so the core intention is good. However, if you hurt someone you love because you were hurting, you will later regret it, whether you got what you wanted or not. Simply put, with this strategy you can’t ever win.
While you are hurting, your world becomes tiny, often focused exclusively on the pain. You may no longer even see the actual person you love in front of you, much less be aware of their state–and in that way you make yourself blind to the effect your words and actions have on them.
The problem (and solution), is that the cause of the pain is not outside of you, no matter what anyone has said or done. We have mistaken things for feeling, people for feeling, and events for feeling. If you believe someone or some thing is the cause of your inner pain, then you will ride the painful roller-coaster of inevitable, uncontrollable change for life. Want to change that life sentence?
Go inside, not outside, and ask yourself what you want. Then ask yourself how what you want feels. Go deeply into The Alchemy of Love and Joy™ practice and begin to give yourself what you want. You will find immediate relief, and your whole world will change; you will open-up to seeing, hearing, and knowing much more than you could before. And it will open you up to those you love, in the way that you want to be with them. Then you will be ready to deal with the outside (if there still is one to deal with) in a much more effective way.
From the perspective of the person “being hurt,” know that this apparent attack is a cry for help, and that in reality, your loved one is suffering. In your mind, separate the being from the suffering and actions. You may give yourself time and space away from an upset person until things calm and becomes more workable.
Instead of allowing their reality to become yours, instead of buying-in to their nightmare and instead of becoming defensive or reactive yourself, you may ask them, with compassion: “Are you ok?” or “What do you want or need?” With a little attention to their being and motivation behind the action and by pointing them toward what they do want, the suffering may rapidly dissipate. But of course, the best way to end someone else’s suffering is to end your own–so be sure that you practice The Alchemy of Love and Joy™ yourself first, so that your compassion is sincere. After all, you can’t “be hurt” by them either.
It can transform the situation, even turn it inside-out and back to love, which is the root anyway.
This morning I woke with a dream in memory, and noticed a feeling that is not my norm, not joyful. I dreamt of someone who I’d like in my life giving attention to someone else. Immediately I began The Alchemy of Love and Joy™ practice…
1) “What do I want?”
Hmmm… this took a moment or two as the dream fog cleared…and then it came:
“I wanted to feel that person’s love.”
2) “How does that person’s love feel?”
As I reached for the feeling, wonderful images, smiles, and loving memories flashed, and a warm, tingly sensation began to flow through my body.
3) “Is this what I prefer to feel?”
4) “Feeling this way, how do I act?”
I reflected on the dream, and enjoyed the other’s enjoyment, happiness, and interaction. And my pleasure grew as a smile stretched across my face.
5) “Is this what I prefer to do, give, or send?”
Definitely, I wanted to “send” or connect with that person with love. As I continued to enjoy those sensations, the overall feeling of love grew, expanded, and enveloped me. I snuggled deeper into the pillows and sheets, and my body warmed as if glowing. Hmmm it is happening again, as I write LOL.
The love got better and better, and at the peak I recognized that this was exactly what it felt like when that person was here, “giving” (I thought) love. And a realization was re-affirmed:
I created the feeling then when they were there, just as I am now.
The cause was not the other person, then–as it is not now. A playful giggle rose, followed closely by laughter. The cosmic joke is so close. Oh yes, and what of that discomfort I woke with? Long gone, and long forgotten. I lingered longer in bed, savouring the love and then the growing bliss from experiencing a larger expansion of who we are. Joining the others in the kitchen, my great-big-grin and the all-over warmth persisted for hours into the morning. I wondered what they thought. LOL. –Seek Joy!
After The Alchemy of Love and Joy™ came to me, I could so clearly see where I “went wrong” in relationships, or better put, where I could have done better. Of course, we always do the best we can with what we have, so I could not have done better. Yet at the time, I was conscious of not wanting to respond in the ways I did, of wanting a different outcome, however I was not in the state I needed to be in. I sensed that if I could be so radically different, so opposite, that things would be so opposite. But I did not know how. When you are feeling bad, or separate, or distanced, or that you need something, how can you be and do what you need to, with full and sincere congruence?
You can’t give what you don’t have, and you can’t get what you want if you can’t be it first.
This could appear to set up a catch-22, but it’s not a stalemate–the key is to give yourself first what you want, full, completely, and passionately. You may become so satisfied that you no longer want it, and that may be enough. Or you will become so satisfied that you are overflowing, spilling-it-out all over so that it spreads and catches like wildfire.
What you want to avoid is buying into the idea that there is ever a problem. When someone buys-into the story or illusion that there is a problem, the attention is on the problem, and not where it needs to be–on the solution. When two people buy into the same illusion, even more challenging and complex systems and reactions can come into play. But at any point, these can be interrupted, and there really is no such thing
as a real problem.
If we identify “chair” then we automatically identify everything that is “not chair.” The moment you identify a “problem,” you identify what is “not problem,” or, the solution. So whenever you think there is a problem, you must know the solution. And you do. What you did not know is that you can give it to yourself. So truly, there are no problems.
Scenario: your partner begins to believe in a problem, and so s/he begins to see “negativity” in you, begins to hear your comments as negative, not simply as your identification of contrast, your expression of preference. If *you* buy-in and believe she has a problem with judging you, well, you can imagine where something like this can go. What if you instead gave yourself acceptance? How does that feel? Feeling it fully and completely, could you then see her actions as identification of contrast, of her preference? Instead of coming from a place of defense from having judged yourself, could you then, from your place of acceptance, know and appreciate that she is striving for a positive lifestyle, and in how many ways now can you both fulfill such a lovely vision?
Scenario: What if your partner has an adversity to an intimate act you’d like? You could view that as a problem, and everything you do from there forward will support it as being a problem, or you can feel what having it is like while with him/her, and experience the energetic feeling of having it anyway, which will do one or both of two things: satisfy you, and/or show your partner just how much you like it, and perhaps in the sharing of that it may become a turn-on for both. Problem? What problem….
Get and read the book, free, and practice living in freedom and joy now.Tweet