The Forgiveness of Others Does Not Exist
Dead or Alive
Today a slight “off” feeling stuck around my solar plexus for a few moments. I am not “off” much since April—the gift of suffering does not last long as it is just a pointer toward joy, which I gratefully accept. I knew the feeling was related to someone else from my past, who I had been thinking about, and so I began the practice.
What do I want?
Hmmmm I tried-on a few things like “to love that person,” and “to feel that person’s love,” but this time these things did not match. Nothing filled the gap, until I hit on wanting that person’s forgiveness. Old mind began to arise, “but they won’t even speak to you, how can you get their forgiveness…?” and ignoring that thought, which did not feel good and was designed to take me in the wrong direction toward suffering, I continued with the practice…
How does their forgiveness feel?
Wow! The match, the connection, and the feeling was immediate, and so powerful, so overwhelming, that it brought tears of joy. There was instant relief, lightness, and happiness, which I am still connecting with as I sit here and type. I could enjoy and explore this for quite some time, if I wasn’t so compelled to write about the experience and the intelligent recognitions that are coming with it.
Old-mind would have you believe that since that person will not speak with me, it re-affirms that they do not want to forgive, and that I cannot have their forgiveness. But I know that mind-reads like that are the old-mind’s trap, its illusion, its effort to find “proof” in support of a “reason” to suffer, to make the option of suffering actually into a reality.
Instead of asking “Why do I feel like this?” which only serves as substantiation for suffering, I do what I encourage everyone to do, to use suffering asa cue to seek relief, to seek joy–because I know it is always there. To know (create) its opposite, pain, joy must also be there. Feeling better, a vast intelligence is available, one that is not self-centred and suffering-centred. Thoughts that could be as true, or truer, can then be known. Like the fact that healthy, happy, caring people don’t act this way, so it is more likely that the person *can’t* speak to me, which would indicate they are unwell or suffering in some way. Now compassion kicks-in. And of course, having sought a better feeling and experienced forgiveness, I know there is no way that I cannot have forgiveness. So much clarity and sanity comes with feeling good.
The feeling of lack of forgiveness (or being responsible, at fault, etc.) is like any other feeling, created within. And so the antidote, feeling forgiveness, exists within. If the other person was ever able to bless themselves enough to offer (outside) verbal forgiveness to me, the feeling of forgiveness must still arise from within me (i.e. even if they forgave, I could STILL choose not to forgive myself, to not feel it).
Like all experience, the cause, the source, the origin of the feeling of forgiveness resides within, no where else. So we don’t need to actually hear it from someone to give it to ourselves. Dead or alive, present or absent, we can receive, experience, and enjoy the forgiveness of the “other.” (Oh how well this experientially brings “All is One” or the concept of “Oneness” down from a vague thought or belief and into reality!)
Some time ago I had a similar revelation about feeling the love “of another.” We say the words “I want to feel their love,” as if “another” exists, but in reality, our experience of “their love” is within. It is only always our experience of ourselves. It is our love. In the same way, it is our forgiveness.
So I have said: “Enjoy your self–-it is all you ever do enjoy.” [that story]
Now I will add: “Forgive your self–-you are the only one that can.”
This complete reversal in experience should come as no surprise to me any more, however when the longing or pain is so completely and quickly fulfilled, it is always satisfying and astonishing, and I suppose while I am getting used to this right way of living “inside-out” instead of “outside-in,” there will be more experiences, and more integrations, in more and more contexts.
Now I am going to take some time and fully enjoy, fully appreciate and integrate this feeling, the forgiveness, and the amazing power within to create our experience. I’ll try not to skip down the street hahaha…Right…maybe I’ll do cartwheels and let the world wonder. What a wonderful world. –Seek joy!
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