Why do we hurt those we love?

Why do we hurt those we love?

It is said that every attack is a cry for help.

When someone is hurting sufficiently in some way, that kind of pain can motivate them to act-out or try to hurt others, even those they love the most. This is an attempt to stop their suffering by getting their needs met. They turn to the (person/thing) outside because they believe it is the outside that is hurting them.

Anyone who is hurting simply wants to feel good, and so the core intention is good. However, if you hurt someone you love because you were hurting, you will later regret it, whether you got what you wanted or not. Simply put, with this strategy you can’t ever win.

While you are hurting, your world becomes tiny, often focused exclusively on the pain. You may no longer even see the actual person you love in front of you, much less be aware of their state–and in that way you make yourself blind to the effect your words and actions have on them.

The problem (and solution), is that the cause of the pain is not outside of you, no matter what anyone has said or done. We have mistaken things for feeling, people for feeling, and events for feeling. If you believe someone or some thing is the cause of your inner pain, then you will ride the painful roller-coaster of inevitable, uncontrollable change for life. Want to change that life sentence?

Go inside, not outside, and ask yourself what you want. Then ask yourself how what you want feels. Go deeply into The Alchemy of Love and Joy™ practice and begin to give yourself what you want. You will find immediate relief, and your whole world will change; you will open-up to seeing, hearing, and knowing much more than you could before. And it will open you up to those you love, in the way that you want to be with them. Then you will be ready to deal with the outside (if there still is one to deal with) in a much more effective way.

From the perspective of the person “being hurt,” know that this apparent attack is a cry for help, and that in reality, your loved one is suffering. In your mind, separate the being from the suffering and actions. You may give yourself time and space away from an upset person until things calm and becomes more workable.

Instead of allowing their reality to become yours, instead of buying-in to their nightmare and instead of becoming defensive or reactive yourself, you may ask them, with compassion: “Are you ok?” or “What do you want or need?” With a little attention to their being and motivation behind the action and by pointing them toward what they do want, the suffering may rapidly dissipate.  But of course, the best way to end someone else’s suffering is to end your own–so be sure that you practice The Alchemy of Love and Joy™ yourself first, so that your compassion is sincere. After all, you can’t “be hurt” by them either.

It can transform the situation, even turn it inside-out and back to love, which is the root anyway.

Download and read the e-book The Alchemy of Love and Joy and learn how to detach your self from needing the outside–and from ever hurting a loved one again.
















Comments 4

  1. I would like to have the rest of the article” Why Do We Hurt Those we Love” . I find it very informative and very interesting to see both sides of the issues. I read what you have already sent over and over and each time find a new way of looking at this situation.
    Thanks You
    Donna Edgett

    1. Post

      Hi Donna,
      Thanks for visiting and reading! At the bottom of the article, there is a “Register” link. If you register once as a reader and log-in then you can read all of the articles and future articles on the website.
      Let me know if you have any issues,

  2. That’s right PatriciaDiane,

    It is well intentioned, but backwards and does not work, and I think that is a universal experience,the same for everyone. There is a much better way that feels better, works better, and transcends ego. They don’t see the hurt, and most importantly, they don’t see the source of the hurt–love. Seek joy! Become self-fulfilling! Be the love you want to see 🙂

  3. wow how true is this..it seems that the more we hurt, the more we hurt others expecting them to see the hurt and become compassioate towards us, but it doesnt work that way at all. they don’t see the hurt, they see anger and hate.

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