“What are you seeing that I’m not seeing? What’s different about the way you see?” I was asked. So I shared what happened, how I saw before, and ever since that instant.
Here’s what happened to me in the woods that day…
I abandoned the enlightenment idea, no interest in it. Scared the shit out of me. Okay. Didn’t know about self-realization no clue what any of these things mean. Never heard of them. I’m out in the woods and I’ve been living in joy for like nine months, bliss, ecstasy, like a, like a mystic. Okay. And I can indulge in at any time I wanted,
but at some point in those nine months, I was seeking it to indulge in it. Like you would have Lover, you know, you just get… it’d be top of mind all the time. You meet someone you fall in love. You just… that’s all you think about. I was thinking about this all the time. It wasn’t a person. It was love itself and I was pursuing it.
And every chance I could get to be with it, I took, and that was at home, in my couch, in my bed. That was in the woods. So I was pursuing it. But then a weird thing happened partway through these nine months, it was pursuing me. In other words… so what would happen in those moments? There’d be laughter and tears and just …not doing anything but that.
And I knew that that would look kind of weird. So I kept to myself for this time period. I didn’t go to see people so much. I just wanted to be with that. I just …like a secret lover. But I have to go to groceries. Right? So I wouldn’t do it when I was getting groceries. I would only do it when I was alone, and private,
But at some point it started to pursue me. In other words, I lost control of it. I would be out in the grocery and all of a sudden it would come up. It would just well up and I’d be like bawling in the grocery store. And I was like, I got to get out of here. I don’t want to upset anybody. And it became consuming and I was completely satisfied.
Satiated. I didn’t have any interest of getting anything from the world or needing anything from the world, but I functioned in the world. But I was functioning better than I had because I was happy. And that didn’t mean my life was perfect. It wasn’t. I had a back injury. I had debt, lots of debt. I had a lawsuit going on.
I had all this shit going down. I had no money. I was struggling to make rent and food every month, but I was happy. And because I didn’t want anything else in the world anymore, I came to the point of, well, what matters now? What matters now? The only thing that mattered to me was this love, this…
And I started to call it the, the beloved within, the lover within, the beloved within. And it was the only thing that mattered, but it was still a mystery. And what was left was… the world was a mystery. There’s this little me and this massive world. I don’t know what it is. I don’t know how it came to be here.
And, but I figured that I was so small and it was so big. And this love was so big that this love had to be it. So I wanted to know… I started using the word God. I was never religious, but it was the only word I had that could be used for this. And so I wanted to know, God,
not God with the beard and all that crap. I wanted to know God. I wanted to not just know and believe but I to see God, directly my own eyes. Like if you’re real, show yourself! Right. But it was from a place of joy and love. Not from anger or frustration. Like it had been in the past. It was like,
I want you, I want this. I’ve got it. It’s all I want. I don’t want it. But I want to know. I want to see it. I want to have it and I want it complete. There was something missing. I want to complete this. I want to see God. So one day I decided I’m going out in the woods,
went out in the morning. I took food, drink, toilet paper. I’m not coming back till I know. Okay, til I see God. And it was a 5k thing, but it took me all day. Cause I was stopping in this bliss and this love and this joy and wanting to see God. And it was escalating. It was becoming more and more on my mind and more and more burning in the last… okay.as it went,
Take nine months of time. And it was slower and then it was faster and faster. And then it overtook me and that was happening all the time. And then it was just, just growing, burning. And in the last two weeks it was, I want to see God. I want to see God. I have to see God.
I needs to God. And there were things that happened in the woods that I’m, I’ve told a few people about not many, but I’m going to be writing about in the next book of what happened, this whole thing I’m describing right now. And I’m out in the woods with this yearning to see God, it was the last thing that mattered. Nothing else mattered.
And up came the thought, well, God is everywhere. Turn over a stone. God is everywhere. And I’m like, that must be a Bible thing or something. But I was like, okay, if God is everywhere, how come it’s not obvious? Was my position. But had I learned to question my questions because no question is actually a question. It’s a statement of what you already know.
So I questioned, I… wait a minute. If God is everywhere, how come it’s not obvious? And I went, what am I calling obvious? What is obvious? And I looked around, I’m like, well, the trees are obvious. The grass is obvious. The rocks are obvious. You know, the world is obvious, but I went as what? And I look like at a flower,
and I was like, this thing’s hanging in midair. Nobody knows how a seed becomes a flower hanging in midair. And I was like, this is a miracle. Oh, everything is a miracle. Oh, that would be God. And then the thought came …Am I outside of everything? (No, can’t be, was the inner answer) BOOM!… an explosion of love at my chest, which I had already been experiencing…
It was a supernova explosion, hit my chest, hit my head from there. It went like this. And I fell to my knees in the woods, in the snow bawling, bawling. And I looked up from my knees in the snow and the trees. And I saw they’re not trees. They’re me. And I went to say, it’s me and nothing came out.
I couldn’t speak. But I knew there was no need to speak. Who would you speak to? And it was all funny. It was the cosmic joke revealed… It’s like, Oh! OH! It’s ALL the same! Couldn’t speak. There’s still no words. And I just fell in the snow, laughing and crying. Every cell of my body was being tickled, like with electricity of some sort.
And you know, when you’re a kid or you’re being tickled and it goes on too long and you’re afraid it’s going to hurt. It’s never hurt. And it went on and on and on and on. I’m laughing and crying and tears are streaming. I just laughed from the belly of being. Everywhere I looked! It’s all… And I just looked, I did a 360, hahaha
It’s all me, it’s all….couldn’t …still couldn’t speak. And then after a while I heard this voice way over there on the left, it was faint and it was weak. And I recognized it as who I used to think I was. And I was like, well, I know who I am… Who the hell are you?! No answer came because it’s not a who …the voice in our head is not a person.
It’s not who you are. It’s a phenomenon, like digestion. Anyway, this was just,… <phewww> talk about a radical, fundamental, final alteration of identity. I could never identify as the voice in my head again. And I was just like, this is so great. You know, I could do anything. I could be anything I could go anywhere. And then I saw the sun going down and I remembered, oh I’ve got a party I’m co-hosting tonight.
Spiritual friends. And I went, Oh, sun going down. I must be late. Well, if I could do anything and be anything, I could go to the party too. So I started walking back. I’m just laughing my ass off the whole way, laughing, laughing, laughing. And I phoned my friend and I go, heheh I’M LATE! haha… She’s like, what are you laughing at? hahahaha
I’ll tell you when I get there. So I had to pick her up and then I was picking somebody else up three people in the car hahaha and she gets in the car, can’t stop laughing. And I’m laughing, laughing, laughing, laughing. And I said, I, so I finally said to her, so yeah, I saw the trees are me hahahahhaa.
She’s like, What?! (did you take some drugs or something? I thought she thought). I’ll try and tell you at the party. I’ll try it. I’ll tell you more at the party. Right. So I couldn’t stop laughing. And I get to our second friend’s place. And I just started to get a grip, calm it down. And I was like, okay, it’s quiet.
Okay. I got this. Right. So the second friend gets in the car. She goes… So it’s quiet. Nobody says anything. I just said hi. And I’m like afraid to say anything. Okay. Cause I thought I was going to lose it again. I said, hi, she gets in the car and I’m like, got it.
I got this. And then she goes, “So what’s new?” HAHAHAHAHA! That… why that was funny, you know, it’s new, it’s not new. It’s ancient. It’s timeless. HAHAHAHA right. I say “I’ll tell you when we get to the party! HAHAHAHA” So we get to the party and it was like, you know, 10, 12 people around.. I’m like “Guys, guys, come here. I got to tell you,
this is the most profound thing. And I know damn well, this is what they’re seeking. This is what everybody is seeking. And I get them all gathered, and it’s like …well not all of them came. It was like four came you know. And uh I’m like, okay. So, so I was out in the woods and, and …I knew how ridiculous it sounded. Cause like you said…
…anybody can say that. (Uh huh). And like one teacher said, I don’t know who it was. Dogen Dogen Zenji maybe, a Zen master. He said, every time I try to speak it, it’s like something found in a dog’s mouth. It’s not what it is, of course, but every time you try to speak it, that’s what it’s like, because you can’t speak it.
You can’t speak it. You must know it. You must see it. 10 years later, nothing’s changed no dark night of the soul, no suffering, nothing.
The Reality is eternal.
Until next time, keep it real.
Cindy